RUDE TEXT FILES

Friday Night	Sister Catherine
A Prayer For The Stressed	Typewriter
After 25 years in the computer business	Three corporate lessons
Autopsies	To Make You Ponder
Doctor, Doctor	Uncle Marvo
17 Ways Women Fail In Bed	Very Strange Laws
Gay Rooster	Definitions
Whorehouse

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice."

The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet's his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept. And the wisdom to hide the bodies of all the people I had to kill today, because they pissed me off.

And help me to be careful of the toes I tread on today, as they may be connected to the arse I may have to kiss tomorrow.

When I'm having a really bad day and it seems that somebody is trying to piss me off, that whilst it takes 72 muscles to frown, it takes only four to extend my arm and smack the bastard in the mouth.

After 25 years in the computer business, Sam became fed up with the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Leroy... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

Sam replied: "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Leroy stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. He then replies: "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Leroy turns from the door. "One other thing, I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Hey, that's not a problem," says Sam, "remember I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Leroy stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

He starts, "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing he has done with the corpses in front of them.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger."

Doctor, doctor, please kiss me," says the patient. "No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor. Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once." "No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he says. Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!" "Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla." He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?" The lady behind the counter, shocked, says: "Why did you call him that?" "I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's really only three things a man wants in life. First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine. Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy, and I had that, too, until fat-head here came along."

A guy goes into a whorehouse and says: "What have you got for ten bucks?" "Go upstairs to the attic," says the Madam, "there's a girl up there for you." The man goes up to the attic. He can barely see a girl lying there in the darkness. He climbs on top of her and starts fucking. Then, to his disgust, he notices some kind of slimy gunk coming out of her mouth and nose. The man runs downstairs and says: "I want my money back! That girl is sick or something! She's got something coming out of her nose and her mouth!" "Oh, sir, I'm so sorry! Here's your money back," says the madam, handing the man his ten bucks. After he leaves, she calls over her assistant. "Listen," she says. "You'd better go to the morgue and steal another stiff. The one in the attic is full."

A doctor goes to his office one Monday and is shocked to find that it has been ransacked and the files have all been mixed up. He sees the file for Mrs. Smith, but her chart is mixed up with some of the others and he can't tell which is which. He finally narrows it down to two charts, and he decides to call her house. Mr. Smith answers the phone. "Mr. Smith, this is Dr. Jenkins. I have bad news. Your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease I don't know which. "Well, what should I do?" asks a distraught Mr. Smith. "Drop her off at the edge of town," says the doctor, "and if she finds her way back, DON'T FUCK HER!"

A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?" "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband. "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks in this place," she began, "the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20." "How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband. "Those they gave away," she replied tongue in cheek. "I had a dream too," started the husband. "I dreamt they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!" "And how much for the ones like mine?" enquired the wife to her husband. "That's where they held the auction," he replied.

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions. The one guy says, "I'm a YUP... you know... Young, Urban, Professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK... you know... Double Income - No Kids." They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied.... "I'm a WIFE... you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

An old man is in the surgery, and he asks the doctor if there was anyway he could find out if his wife was hard of hearing. The doctor replied, "If she won't come in for a hearing test, you could try talking to her when you get home. If you get no response, then move a little closer and repeat what you've said. If she doesn't hear you at first, you can gauge just how deaf she is, by how close you get, until she does hear." Armed with this information, he sets off home. Opening the front door he notices his wife in the kitchen down the passageway, with her back to the door. Closing the door quietly, he says to his wife, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?" He gets no response, so he moves a little closer and says again, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?" Still no response; so he enters the kitchen, and says, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?" Again she doesn't respond, so he walks up to her touches her arm and says, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?" With that she reels around and shouts at him, "Bangers and mash, for the fourth time, you deaf cunt!"

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females' thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, the man replies, "Fuck me! Can it whistle as well?"

A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink. She slowly spread her legs, and in husky come fuck me voice say "Honey, would you like some of this?" The husband looks between his ageing wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what it's done to your underwear."

A man was suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he was referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The specialist asked him what his symptoms were and he replied, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He was interrupted. "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?" "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, but I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes." Two weeks went by and the man came back. "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked. "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way - nice house!"

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all-important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.

8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

9.BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man' s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's, so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution."

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. So the new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "ok, old fart, time to retire."

The old rooster replies, "come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens, look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The old rooster says, "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start." So, they get a chicken to cluck "Go!", and the old rooster takes off running.

They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn it...third gay rooster I bought this month."

A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral sex on his old lady. The woman at the front desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319. He went in and there he saw his lady of the evening. He told her why he was there and she gave him a few pointers and told him to get down to it.

He began performing oral sex and was, by her reaction, pretty good at it. But something strange happened. About five minutes into the deed he felt something in his mouth. He stealthily spit it into his hand and saw to his amazement that it was a piece of carrot.

Five minutes later he came up with a pea. "Geez! I can't take this much more. There's something wrong with this chick." But again he said nothing and gave it one more shot.

This time it was a piece of chicken. He could stand it any longer. "I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna throw up!"

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might just do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before. She asks what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and better. She asks what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the moron who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"

"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass is killing me, and dad's sitting in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant...

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

Priest: Sister, I dont think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, a drunkard led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" they asked. "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck's sake, you wanker, it's 2 o'clock in the morning!!"

Two little old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, the only place they could smoke at the nursing home, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The second old lady asks, "What's that?". The first old lady replies, "A condom." The second old lady then asks, "Where'd you get it?" The first old lady replies, "You can get them at any chemist." The next day the second old lady hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely, she is, after all, in her 80s, but politely asks what brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel."

The wife and husband decided that they needed to use a code to indicate they wanted to have sex without letting their small children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter".

One day the husband told their 5 year old daughter to "Tell mommy that daddy needs her help to type a letter".

The mommy replied, "Tell daddy that he can't have a letter typed today because there is red ribbon in the typewriter".

A few days later mommy told the child to take a message to daddy. "Tell daddy that we can type that letter he was needing now".

The child told her daddy and returned to her mommy and announced, "Daddy said thanks, but he already wrote the letter by hand".

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day?" The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you have to be sitting very, very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." So the turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a big field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels - some climbing up, some climbing down, some fooling around and some doing nothing at all. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but arseholes.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you're producing body gas (know what we mean..?) consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnny's favourites, the clowns. Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says,

Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.

The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns. Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says,

Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside an deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But, of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, USA, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."